Basic Comfort Via Butter, Sugar and Flour (even if you are Gluten-Free)

Last Sunday was traditional, a Father's Day Barbeque to be exact. Although my husband and brother-in-law handled the main meal, I was in charge of dessert and chose to make Peach Cobbler.

My recipe has been in my family basically forever, and since almost all of the generations before me were farmers, only fresh picked peaches will work!

The picture is my Grandpa Huth,  my younger brother Jason and me on the tail end. We are heading out to irrigate the cotton on the ranch in Visalia, California. We were visiting from Hawaii, where we lived at this time, probably around 1970.

 Since we don't have a farm here in San Jose for me to grow fruit, my husband braved the farmers market Sunday morning, bringing home the freshest, most perfect white peaches to fill the role. This recipe is simple and easy to adapt to meet specific dietary requirements. However it is dessert, so it is indulgent. If you do not have "room" in your daily caloric intake for desserts with added sugar, I recommend you have your peaches in their amazing natural state and savor the miracle of naked summer fruit.

Peach Cobbler Recipe- for a crowd!

 You will need:

• Large glass baking dish (9 x 13)
• 12 fresh peaches, peeled (any kind, I used white peaches in the picture)
• 1 c. granulated sugar
• 1 c. flour (for gluten-free I recommend Almond Flour)
• 2 eggs, lightly beaten (egg substitute can be used, 1/2 c.)
• 1 cube of butter (or 1/2 cup of any butter substitute you prefer) 

 Pre-heat the oven to 375 degrees 

Slice the peaches, about 1/2 - 1 inch thick, spread out in the baking dish

In a medium bowl, mix sugar and flour, then add beaten eggs
Use a pastry cutter or a plain old fork to mix it up till crumbly

Sprinkle over the peaches, distribute all of the crumbs "kinda" evenly

Melt the butter, then drizzle it over the crumbly topping

Bake at 375 for 35-40 minutes, until bubbly and turning golden brown on top
Allow the cobbler to cool down to a comfortable warmness, then eat!

This cobbler served all 14 of us at the BBQ, with no leftovers. However, 10 out of 14 BBQ participants ask if I had "any more of the peach cobbler" hidden somewhere? So next time, I will make two! 


Part of living with chronic pain is focusing on doing things that make you feel good, no matter how simple. For me, baking is one of those feel good things. For this recipe, I was able to do all of the steps myself. However, remember to apply the 3 P's; Prioritizing, Planning and Pacing. For example, my priority was to do the baking, so I delegated shopping for the peaches and my husband picked them up in the morning on his way home from the gym. I planned in advance, so I would have the other ingredients on hand and I wouldn't have to run to the store to get something. I paced myself and was able to peel all 12 peaches. Some days my hands are too sore (Fibromyalgia symptom) to do this type of prep work. If that is was the case I would have delegated it to my teenage sons, who will do anything to get to eat cobbler! I did pace myself, by allowing enough time in the morning to get going slowly, then once I started on the cobbler I could go at a leisurely pace since the BBQ was later in the afternoon. It also would have worked fine to make the cobbler the day before, however that is risky at my house with two teenage boys!

"This One Time, at Band Camp....." oops, I mean on June 11th, less than 72 hours ago!

 Just a few days ago, Tuesday the 11th, to be exact, I had "one of those days" that those of us with chronic pain experiences every once in a while, or maybe more frequently, as in my case. Being a Phase 3 member of Kaiser Permanente's PMRP (Pain Management Rehabilitation Program) in Sunnyvale, California since April of this year, I am hard at work using the skills and tools I have learned. At the top of my skills list is the concept of "The 3 P's" which stands for Planning, Prioritizing and Pacing. This is a technique that we practice to break down each day and organize what we want and need to do in a way that considers what is the most important and how we will make each activity, task or event work around our challenges by breaking it down into doable pieces and at a pace that works for us in the given sequence of moments we call the "next hour" or the "the work day" or even the "whole day." So I had figured out Tuesday, with excellent planning and was looking forward to getting a few things taken care of... (previously posted on Pain Management Program Silicon Valley)

"Sigh...left my home before 9am, felt good that I got it together before noon! Had 3 tasks planned; take my son to the gym, take my 13.5 year old standard poodle to a new groomer, then head to the high school I would like teach at next year to drop off a book I borrowed from the teacher that coached me in 2011 after I got my credential. The good news is I did all three things. The bad news? I let my son out of the car in front of the gym but started to drive away as he was getting his gym bag out of the back of my car. Had trouble finding the new doggie hair salon but got her there close to on time. Then got to the school and my coach had stepped
out of the office, so I introduced myself to the Assistant Principal of Instruction, letting her know I would really like to teach there if she had any part-time openings for next year. I was excited, things seemed to be going well... as I waited I was straightening my shirt, when I felt a tag on my right hip..strange. Oh shit, my pants are on wrong side out! Now granted they are "Yoga pants", thank you God these didn't have a white cotton crotch! I thought I looked fine, My hair was brushed, my outfit was casual, however school is out for the Summer, so all of the administrators were in sweats or jeans with flip flops...l am now heading straight home! My "I have it all together feeling" felt shattered, yet I had to laugh at myself! I taught fitness classes from 1984 when I started teaching "Aerobics" until I retired from teaching Yoga, Pilates, Zumba and any other types of fitness in 2009. Never in my career had I had this type of "fitness attire wardrobe malfunction," despite the fact that it actually happens quite often to the poor group exercise instructors that get dressed in the dark to teach in the wee hours of the morning! 

Not exactly the lore of "Band Camp" but amongst the fitness teachers of the world this is a common topic filled with many experiences that are probably high on TMI.

"You look great, how can you be sick or in pain?"

Perhaps the most challenging aspects of having a disease (or more than one, as in my case) that causes chronic pain is that often we appear to be fine because our symptoms and pain are not on the outside. This presents a opportunity to educate others, assuming you are in the mood and have the energy to explain your disease or syndrome to someone. I have tried this approach quite a bit, trying to seize the opportunity to advocate for those of us who have Interstitial Cystitis (IC) and Pelvic Floor Dysfunction (PFD). I have found that many people I interact with at work or socially may be quite comfortable saying "you don't look sick" or asking "if you have a disease why don't you look like it?" yet they are not too excited to learn about IC, the details of a damaged bladder and what a bladder flare entails. Nor are they thrilled to listen to a description of how PFD is like a "migraine in the pelvis" and can effect not just the pelvic floor but also the vagina, vulva and perineum! With coworkers it can really be too much to explain that we IC and PFD patients also are subject to "accidents" of both bladder and/or bowel function and often there is no warning period before such problems occur spontaneously.

For me, as a high school teacher, you can imagine how horrid it is to have such an accident while teaching a room of 32 teenagers, yet not be able to run out to the restroom because it is actually illegal to leave a room of under-18-year-olds unattended! There isn't anyone to take over for a teacher that needs to go to the restroom under normal circumstances, much less in an emergency. Teaching these days is very much like prison, where you are only allowed to go to the bathroom, eat, drink or contact other adults at VERY SPECIFIC, predetermined times during your workday. Like Pavalov's dogs, secondary teachers will hear the bell ring and have to pee, or become hungry at the exact time each day, 20 minutes before "lunch" starts! God help you if you have a craving, need caffeine or just wanna use the bathroom leisurely for once; the schedule for teaching will not permit such luxuries!

I have fantasized about how much easier living with chronic pain would be if people at work, at social events and hell, even in the grocery store could tell when I am disabled or impaired by pain. I used to wish I could "demonstrate" the intensity of my pain...like a level 5 (about the level where I can't really get through the whole day, teaching 160 teenagers.....) I would have my eyes fill half way up with blood, so I could see above it, yet everyone else would be kinda shocked. Then at level 6, I would keep the eyes, then add a "visual expression of ache" which could be my face and neck beginning to show major strain, like when someone is sprinting to finish a race, the last few yards. At a level 7 my eyes would be 3/4 filled with blood, and it would leak out a little in tears tinged red, my face and neck would strain slightly more and the tips of my fingers and toes would begin to leak blood, as well as the capillaries in my ears (I usually wear my hair up so this "blood sweating" effect would show.... You get the idea. Nothing deadly, just kinda gruesome or scary like being in pain really is... I don't think I want to describe the visuals for showing pain levels of 8-10, however this picture might do it:

 Note: I would like to give credit to whomever created this, however I got it on Pinterest, so I don't have the name of the person who owns this! If you see it, please let me know your name and website link!

My other idea was to actively express my pain when I am experiencing it, however this would most likely lead to a 911 call by someone at Trader Joe's or any store I may be visiting, to report a "lady that is exhibiting signs of extreme mental illness, possibly under the influence of illegal substances and/or may be possessed by a demon or demon-like force" that needs immediate intervention by E.M.T.'s, the S.W.A.T. team and if possible an experienced exorcist-type professional.

The last thing I would like to address is this "Pain Scale" concept. When those of us with a chronic pain condition go to the doctor, which is typically a specialist in our particular type of disease, they use a scale of 0-10 for us to "rate" our current level of pain. The same scale is also used if we call the hospital emergency call center or actually go to the emergency room. Why you ask? Because in the world of science, which includes the medical world, professionals want to measure the degree to which the symptom is happening. With pain, the scale allows the patient to quantify their pain, with 0 equal to the "complete absence of pain" and 10 equal to "the worst pain you have ever experienced or worse than that pain level." Is this accurate or precise? Not necessarily. Everyone experiences pain differently and since pain cannot be directly measured it must be inferred by comparing it to a previous painful incident.

 For women with children, the "worst pain ever experienced" is typically considered to be the pain of childbirth. When I was pregnant with my first child and the contractions were between 90 seconds and 2 minutes apart I headed straight to the hospital. The nurse checked me, determining that I was dilated to "less than 1 centimeter" and sent me home, telling me to return to the labor and delivery floor in 2 DAYS! I am a very literal and analytical person, so I took her at her word. I left the hospital and went to dinner, consuming the largest vegetarian taco salad I could find, complete with mass amounts of cruciferous vegetables, beans, cheese, jalapenos and salsa. I was soon very full (I hadn't eaten all day to avoid any issues with my bowels during delivery of my baby) and waddled home to rest. Within a few hours, I was feeling very yucky, most likely due to what I had chosen as my first meal of the day at around 7pm in the evening. I was in bed, hoping to fall asleep and feel better in the morning. Instead, at around 11pm I started to feel very hot and began sweating profusely. Then I was running to the toilet, feeling like I was about to lose my guts...oh no, I think this may be...FOOD POISONING! Yes, it was almost exactly 4 hours after eating and it was quite possible that a lazy food prep worker had chopped my diverse vegetable selection on the same cutting board as raw chicken. So I sat on my toilet and cried while all food I had eaten left my body, not by throwing up but from the "other end" of the human. By this time, I am afraid that if it is not food poisoning that I must have the flu! My body is achy, particularly my lower back, so I jump in the shower and let the hot water pound my lower back muscles for relief. I could have stayed in their forever, except I am so HOT I have to get out and lie naked on the tile floor to cool down! After a many rounds of shower, then tile floor, then back in the shower my husband realizes that something is definitely not right and calls the hospital, it is now almost 2am. The on-duty doctor tells him to "bring me back to labor and delivery" so they can check my vital signs and the baby's heart beat. I am loaded into the back of the SUV, soaking wet, naked, wrapped up in my bathrobe with no slippers and rushed back to the hospital. The security guard lets us in the front doors (the hospital is closed of course), sits me in a wheel chair and rolls me into the elevator while my husband parks the car. The elevator doors open on the labor and delivery floor, and I tell the nurse that I seem to "have the flu, complete with severe aches and a very high temperature." She transitions me to the bed and proceeds to check me again, announcing that I am now dilated to 10! I argue, since it has not been "2 DAYS" like she told me and inform her that I need to have the epidural right now! She laughs, explaining that it is "way too late for that" and that as soon as the doctor gets there it is "time to push."  From the moment I got in the elevator it was exactly 19 minutes and my first baby was born! Yes, one set of pushing and that was it! 

Why share this story from over 18 years ago? Because I had no idea I was in labor, no idea I was experiencing "back labor" when I was at home, and would have never gone to the hospital at all if my husband hadn't decided to take me back to be evaluated. During labor and delivery, I discovered that  I was not experiencing the "worst pain in my life." I was 30 years old and my monthly menstrual cramping was the worst pain I had ever felt and labor was paling in comparison! I would find out much later that I suffered from severe cramping and pelvic pain  before and during each period for years, due to Endometriosis. Doctors were shocked that I got pregnant that first time, not to mention 3.5 years later with my second child. My pelvic pain condition became more severe in the years to come, resulting in several different treatments, surgery in 2007 to remove the Endo and again in 2010 to remove the Endo as well as my uterus and cervix. During the 2010 surgery my specialist, Dr. Lashay of Kaiser, Redwood City, CA confirmed her belief that I also suffered from IC and PFD, officially diagnosing me with both. My medical history indicates I have had IC since I was a teenager, and that PFD is most likely a result of enduring severe pelvic pain for so many years. Even without a uterus, I still have pelvic pain due to the neural pathways created from having severe pelvic pain over such a long period of time. I picture those neural pathways like deep ruts in a dirt road after the raining season is over. It was Dr. Lashay, whom I literally see in my mind as an angel that saved me and changed my life, who referred me to the Pain Management and Rehabilitation Program at Kaiser Permanente in Sunnyvale, Ca. I will write more about this program in future posts, it has changed my pain and my entire life in the months since I began in February 2013.

High Energy and My "Old Pattern" of Being

Today is a day when it is so clear that I am happy and filled with the desire to do everything I love! I am challenged by the need to be aware of the 3P's at all times; Prioritize, Planning and Pacing to take the best care of myself physically as I can. Yet I want to just "do, do, do" all the things I love, NOW! I think to myself, "so what if I am tired tomorrow?" then I remember, it isn't just tired that may hit me tomorrow, and it may not be tomorrow, it may be in a few days... What if I can't stand up, my feet and lower legs hurt so much? What if I can't turn my head, my neck is locked up? What if my hands are numb and unable to hold a spoon, much less drive a car to take Trevor to basketball or hold the leash to take the dog out to walk and pee? As I type, I see a list of "What if's?" and I think in my old pattern of not showing any fear, forget about "What if?" and bravely charge forward, power through, show STRENGTH!

 I love my old way, I can feel the lure of complete satisfaction as I clean my whole house (yes I love cleaning, I am type A), I go to the pool and swim my 2 miles (yes, I can swim 2 miles in well under an hour), I have a healthy, lean, whole meal I make myself from scratch (yes, I am a Nutritionist, I love to eat really healthy and fuel my body) then I study for awhile (yes, I am studying to add to my teaching specialties by taking State Tests to expand my teaching credential) then after that rest (yes studying is a physical rest only mental challenge) I prepare a great healthy meal for my family (yes again on the love of Nutrition) and I head off to Zumba class to dance away which frees my soul(yes it is exercise but I love it for how I feel inside, not the 600+ calories I burn on my high tech heart rate monitor), then I head home eat dinner with my family, followed by watering my patio garden of flowers and fresh veggies, then planting a new crop of fresh herbs, flowers from seeds and seedlings of baby lettuce so I have rotating crops for my amazing salads (never out of fresh, organic lettuce at my house!). At night (this means it is dark outside, not just evening) I will do my hand crafts; crochet, knitting, embroidery and sewing to make lovely things for my home, gifts for new babies and birthdays of all ages (I love to create), then work on the books I have started (yes 3 in the works, one is 90% done, the other two are around 40-50% done) or read for personal development and spiritual growth, followed by Yoga, meditation and sleep. As I fall asleep, I think about my plans for the next day and lay it out, one activity after another that I do love, without truly considering if my physical self is up for it. I am not doing harmful things, everything I choose is "good for me" and I do truly enjoy each thing I do!

  My old motto, "Feel the pain and do it anyway" is not working. Yes, I can feel the pain, ignore it and carry on... Yet now I also experience decline in my physiology as my blood pressure climbs when I push through, my emotional states decline rapidly and I cannot risk my mental health and my physiological health for the sake of making others feel I am fine. Yes, my old pattern is familiar, it is respected by others and it protects me from people that say things that hurt, protects me from feeling I am "not enough" when I judge myself. The old pattern does not put me first, despite the fact that I am doing things I love, I am ignoring my whole self.  The old  pattern does not allow me to care for myself well or to respect myself how I truly am in this moment, in this part of  life. I must allow myself to be vulnerable, accepting of my physical limitations, even when it leaves me open to things I don't wish to experience. I don't like when it feels like I am not doing the most I can do, when I am still I must be being useless or selfish. I can still do all the things I love, just not at the same pace or anytime I think to do them. It is health to choose to rest, to give myself nourishing time that is not productive in the eyes of others, to relinquish my control on everything in my life. I am now open to what is part of me now, and this must include acceptance of my chronic pain diseases.

I can't choose how others will react to my openness and honesty about where I am right now. This scares the shit out of me, in all honesty. I have lost close friendships and close family connections. It makes me so sad and I just have to hope for the best and keep taking good care of myself. I will not die from my chronic pain conditions, IC, PFD and Fibromyalgia are not fatal. However the physiological state of constant fighting, powering through and non-acceptance of self push the sympathetic nervous system to it's brink, which is fatal in many cases. For the longest time, I could not see how doing everything in my life to the best of my ability, in a quest for constant improvement could be "bad" for me? I now know that I was pushing, very hard, and I have only been able to see this in the last 4 months of my journey through acceptance and understanding of chronic pain.

I Want To Be Free...

I want to be free. Free to be myself, free of the pressure and the endless criticism. It is horrible to endure, knowing it is ruthless and cruel. The voice cuts through me, addressing my ideas, my thoughts, my creations and my body. Every choice I make is not perfect enough, plenty of room for improvement so just try harder she comments. Words dripping with hurt and poignant name calling. Her laughter is punishing, her sarcasm sharp and ruthless. I begin again, listening to a podcast of guided imagery for self-esteem, reading affirmations to build self worth. She rolls her eyes and gives me the look, not this shit again; you must be kidding! I dig in, working harder to come up with my own affirmation. I practice while swimming, trying to memorize the words I have chosen:

I love Brilliant
                        Beautiful
                                        Fun
                                             Loveable
                                                          Silly
                                                               Talented
                                                                                Me!
That is all I can come up with,
So I stop and try to remember it, setting it to a rhythm in my head.
I put it in alpha order on purpose, so I can memorize it. I chant it in my head while swimming, driving into my subconscious I hope. She is ROTFL with this new attempt of mine. Gasping while telling me I am so fucking ridiculous! She snaps some pictures of me, displaying my swimming body with it's extra fat and my face with so many skin imperfections. How do you even go out in public, much less think you should be in a swimsuit? More cackling laughter and major swearing from her, the one who knows the real truth about me. I know she is planning her next attack, I push her out of my head, filling the space with swimming and breathing, stroke of my arms and beat of my heart powering on.