High Energy and My "Old Pattern" of Being

Today is a day when it is so clear that I am happy and filled with the desire to do everything I love! I am challenged by the need to be aware of the 3P's at all times; Prioritize, Planning and Pacing to take the best care of myself physically as I can. Yet I want to just "do, do, do" all the things I love, NOW! I think to myself, "so what if I am tired tomorrow?" then I remember, it isn't just tired that may hit me tomorrow, and it may not be tomorrow, it may be in a few days... What if I can't stand up, my feet and lower legs hurt so much? What if I can't turn my head, my neck is locked up? What if my hands are numb and unable to hold a spoon, much less drive a car to take Trevor to basketball or hold the leash to take the dog out to walk and pee? As I type, I see a list of "What if's?" and I think in my old pattern of not showing any fear, forget about "What if?" and bravely charge forward, power through, show STRENGTH!

 I love my old way, I can feel the lure of complete satisfaction as I clean my whole house (yes I love cleaning, I am type A), I go to the pool and swim my 2 miles (yes, I can swim 2 miles in well under an hour), I have a healthy, lean, whole meal I make myself from scratch (yes, I am a Nutritionist, I love to eat really healthy and fuel my body) then I study for awhile (yes, I am studying to add to my teaching specialties by taking State Tests to expand my teaching credential) then after that rest (yes studying is a physical rest only mental challenge) I prepare a great healthy meal for my family (yes again on the love of Nutrition) and I head off to Zumba class to dance away which frees my soul(yes it is exercise but I love it for how I feel inside, not the 600+ calories I burn on my high tech heart rate monitor), then I head home eat dinner with my family, followed by watering my patio garden of flowers and fresh veggies, then planting a new crop of fresh herbs, flowers from seeds and seedlings of baby lettuce so I have rotating crops for my amazing salads (never out of fresh, organic lettuce at my house!). At night (this means it is dark outside, not just evening) I will do my hand crafts; crochet, knitting, embroidery and sewing to make lovely things for my home, gifts for new babies and birthdays of all ages (I love to create), then work on the books I have started (yes 3 in the works, one is 90% done, the other two are around 40-50% done) or read for personal development and spiritual growth, followed by Yoga, meditation and sleep. As I fall asleep, I think about my plans for the next day and lay it out, one activity after another that I do love, without truly considering if my physical self is up for it. I am not doing harmful things, everything I choose is "good for me" and I do truly enjoy each thing I do!

  My old motto, "Feel the pain and do it anyway" is not working. Yes, I can feel the pain, ignore it and carry on... Yet now I also experience decline in my physiology as my blood pressure climbs when I push through, my emotional states decline rapidly and I cannot risk my mental health and my physiological health for the sake of making others feel I am fine. Yes, my old pattern is familiar, it is respected by others and it protects me from people that say things that hurt, protects me from feeling I am "not enough" when I judge myself. The old pattern does not put me first, despite the fact that I am doing things I love, I am ignoring my whole self.  The old  pattern does not allow me to care for myself well or to respect myself how I truly am in this moment, in this part of  life. I must allow myself to be vulnerable, accepting of my physical limitations, even when it leaves me open to things I don't wish to experience. I don't like when it feels like I am not doing the most I can do, when I am still I must be being useless or selfish. I can still do all the things I love, just not at the same pace or anytime I think to do them. It is health to choose to rest, to give myself nourishing time that is not productive in the eyes of others, to relinquish my control on everything in my life. I am now open to what is part of me now, and this must include acceptance of my chronic pain diseases.

I can't choose how others will react to my openness and honesty about where I am right now. This scares the shit out of me, in all honesty. I have lost close friendships and close family connections. It makes me so sad and I just have to hope for the best and keep taking good care of myself. I will not die from my chronic pain conditions, IC, PFD and Fibromyalgia are not fatal. However the physiological state of constant fighting, powering through and non-acceptance of self push the sympathetic nervous system to it's brink, which is fatal in many cases. For the longest time, I could not see how doing everything in my life to the best of my ability, in a quest for constant improvement could be "bad" for me? I now know that I was pushing, very hard, and I have only been able to see this in the last 4 months of my journey through acceptance and understanding of chronic pain.

I Want To Be Free...

I want to be free. Free to be myself, free of the pressure and the endless criticism. It is horrible to endure, knowing it is ruthless and cruel. The voice cuts through me, addressing my ideas, my thoughts, my creations and my body. Every choice I make is not perfect enough, plenty of room for improvement so just try harder she comments. Words dripping with hurt and poignant name calling. Her laughter is punishing, her sarcasm sharp and ruthless. I begin again, listening to a podcast of guided imagery for self-esteem, reading affirmations to build self worth. She rolls her eyes and gives me the look, not this shit again; you must be kidding! I dig in, working harder to come up with my own affirmation. I practice while swimming, trying to memorize the words I have chosen:

I love Brilliant
                        Beautiful
                                        Fun
                                             Loveable
                                                          Silly
                                                               Talented
                                                                                Me!
That is all I can come up with,
So I stop and try to remember it, setting it to a rhythm in my head.
I put it in alpha order on purpose, so I can memorize it. I chant it in my head while swimming, driving into my subconscious I hope. She is ROTFL with this new attempt of mine. Gasping while telling me I am so fucking ridiculous! She snaps some pictures of me, displaying my swimming body with it's extra fat and my face with so many skin imperfections. How do you even go out in public, much less think you should be in a swimsuit? More cackling laughter and major swearing from her, the one who knows the real truth about me. I know she is planning her next attack, I push her out of my head, filling the space with swimming and breathing, stroke of my arms and beat of my heart powering on.