I want to be free. Free to be myself, free of the pressure and the endless criticism. It is horrible to endure, knowing it is ruthless and cruel. The voice cuts through me, addressing my ideas, my thoughts, my creations and my body. Every choice I make is not perfect enough, plenty of room for improvement so just try harder she comments. Words dripping with hurt and poignant name calling. Her laughter is punishing, her sarcasm sharp and ruthless. I begin again, listening to a podcast of guided imagery for self-esteem, reading affirmations to build self worth. She rolls her eyes and gives me the look, not this shit again; you must be kidding! I dig in, working harder to come up with my own affirmation. I practice while swimming, trying to memorize the words I have chosen:
I love Brilliant
Beautiful
Fun
Loveable
Silly
Talented
Me!
That is all I can come up with,
So I stop and try to remember it, setting it to a rhythm in my head.
I put it in alpha order on purpose, so I can memorize it. I chant it in my head while swimming, driving into my subconscious I hope. She is ROTFL with this new attempt of mine. Gasping while telling me I am so fucking ridiculous! She snaps some pictures of me, displaying my swimming body with it's extra fat and my face with so many skin imperfections. How do you even go out in public, much less think you should be in a swimsuit? More cackling laughter and major swearing from her, the one who knows the real truth about me. I know she is planning her next attack, I push her out of my head, filling the space with swimming and breathing, stroke of my arms and beat of my heart powering on.
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